Monday
Sep012008
"I sort of have a foreign oil-esque dependence on companionship that I need to shed." - Kevin Pereira
Monday, September 1, 2008 at 03:48PM
I am back from my vacation and being ricocheted around my apartment. I am unable to walk in a straight line after last night's red eye from San Francisco to New York. I took a nap but I truncated it at just two hours because I want to try to readjust to East Coast time. I'm tired and discombobulated so please use those facts to forgive the emotive nature of this blog post.
In going through my RSS reader, (which I forced myself not to check while I was on vacation), I found a video post by my friend Kevin Pereira, host of G4TV's Attack of the Show. Kevin spent the weekend exploring the lovely city of Philadelphia. I casually follow the random ramblings of his blog and Twitter posts but in this particular video, he said something that made me think:
"I sort of have a foreign oil-esque dependence on companionship that I need to shed."
I haven't spoken to Kevin in a few months so I'm not sure exactly what this means for his life but as I leave behind my San Francisco friends and family once again, I am left thinking about what it means for mine. I spend so much time on my career that companionship is something that usually falls by the wayside. I am typically able to convince myself that it is an acceptable trade off at this juncture in my life but the truth remains that I don't have a "foreign oil-esque dependence on companionship." In fact, I may have quite the opposite. So who is better off? Kevin and his over-dependency or me and my over-independency? What if Barbra Streisand is right? What if people who need people really are the luckiest people in the world? If that is true, I'm hosed.
But I turned 30 three days ago. I am older and trying like mad to become wiser. I was so darn happy to be around my family and friends in San Francisco this week and I realized that I do need people. I spent 10 days with my loved ones and we miraculously did not kill each other! On the contrary, we enjoyed each other immensely. Of course, there was plenty of flowing wine to help that cause, not to mention far too many birthday events: wine tasting, water skiing, cooking, spa days, barbecuing, happy hours, and an overabundance of Mexican food, which should tide me over for a while now that I'm back in New York where there is just no such thing. You can find the Flickr album of my birthday week here.
I can't take "my people" with me to New York and I'm not ready to move back to San Francisco yet but I can learn a lesson from the insightful, albeit hungover, thoughts of my friend Kevin. Over-depedence on companionship: bad. Under-dependence on companionship: equally bad. In my thirties, I will strive to find the Goldie Locks balance for my social life and let people in a little. But not today. Today I'm holed up in my apartment. I'll be open to companionship tomorrow.
In going through my RSS reader, (which I forced myself not to check while I was on vacation), I found a video post by my friend Kevin Pereira, host of G4TV's Attack of the Show. Kevin spent the weekend exploring the lovely city of Philadelphia. I casually follow the random ramblings of his blog and Twitter posts but in this particular video, he said something that made me think:
"I sort of have a foreign oil-esque dependence on companionship that I need to shed."
I haven't spoken to Kevin in a few months so I'm not sure exactly what this means for his life but as I leave behind my San Francisco friends and family once again, I am left thinking about what it means for mine. I spend so much time on my career that companionship is something that usually falls by the wayside. I am typically able to convince myself that it is an acceptable trade off at this juncture in my life but the truth remains that I don't have a "foreign oil-esque dependence on companionship." In fact, I may have quite the opposite. So who is better off? Kevin and his over-dependency or me and my over-independency? What if Barbra Streisand is right? What if people who need people really are the luckiest people in the world? If that is true, I'm hosed.
But I turned 30 three days ago. I am older and trying like mad to become wiser. I was so darn happy to be around my family and friends in San Francisco this week and I realized that I do need people. I spent 10 days with my loved ones and we miraculously did not kill each other! On the contrary, we enjoyed each other immensely. Of course, there was plenty of flowing wine to help that cause, not to mention far too many birthday events: wine tasting, water skiing, cooking, spa days, barbecuing, happy hours, and an overabundance of Mexican food, which should tide me over for a while now that I'm back in New York where there is just no such thing. You can find the Flickr album of my birthday week here.
I can't take "my people" with me to New York and I'm not ready to move back to San Francisco yet but I can learn a lesson from the insightful, albeit hungover, thoughts of my friend Kevin. Over-depedence on companionship: bad. Under-dependence on companionship: equally bad. In my thirties, I will strive to find the Goldie Locks balance for my social life and let people in a little. But not today. Today I'm holed up in my apartment. I'll be open to companionship tomorrow.
Reader Comments (19)
Well, everyone is different so don't gauge yourself in comparison to other people. You have to do what's right for you and only you know what that is. As with everything else in life, balance is key. Don't worry. Things have a way of working out.
For now, buy a cat.
Everyone needs some form of companionship, but what form that comes in can very greatly depending on the person. Do what makes you happy, and spend time with the people that you cant stand to be away from.
Hi Nat! Yeah do what makes you happy! You can always move back should you feel really lonely out there in NYC. Know that your loved ones are waiting for you to come back to your real home in the Bay Area! You are at a crossroads now where you are at the top of your game!
Belated Happy Birthday to us! Remember im aug 28 too? Take care Nat!
your friend
kevin d
Dearest Natali,
How familiar your story sounds... Isn't the grass always greener on the other side of the fence? It appears so, until you are in fact on the other side, and you realise that in fact, the grass isn't greener on this side. It is simply different.
I reckon one of the ultimate goals in one's life is to find a spot on the fence, where one would find a balance between emotion and ration, love and war, and in your case, dependance on companionship.
Natali, you say you are trying hard to become wiser. Wisdom does not always express itself in solutions, but more so in the recognition of the issue at hand. By stepping out of yourself to assess the problem at hand, you have already come up with the solution: 'to find the Goldie Locks balance'!
Dear, search for the balance that's right for you. Do so by walking on both sides of the fence, feel the texture of the green grass on your bare feet, look for the fence in the middle. And remember, it is the road leading up to the destination that gives one the most reward, not the destination itself.
Good luck Natali, my thoughts are with you!
Frank
We find the companionship that is right for each of us not when we go searching for it but when it find us. Yes, tomorrow will present just such an opportunity, seize the opportunity that will lead to a happy balance where there will be no need for over-dependency or under-dependency.
We all need other people. It is proven- the more friends you have (Social Capital) the happier you are. No man is an island as the saying goes. But also learning to let go of some relationships because they are hurtful to others is an exercise in self discipline and selflessness not selfishness. Doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest.
Next time you need a hug, or some Thai food, call me. I'm just a subway ride away.
Natali those were some great pics of your vacation. I especially liked the two of you driving the boat with your dad right there with his arm around ya. Having almost lost my dad this past week to a heart attack, those kind of moments are definitely things to be treasured.
Natali,
First of all, happy be-lated 30th birthday!
I just turned 30 in December. It sounds like you are taking your 30th a LOT better than I did.
I know exactly what you mean about companionship and all that. While I am definitely not as busy as you, I still pretty much don't "miss" people like most normal people would. I don't miss talking to friends. Maybe my "friends" aren't my true friends. Maybe I'm meant to be single my whole life. Who knows.
It's not really about companionship. I think it has more to do with happiness. If YOU are happy, nothing else will matter and things will seem to fall in place. Just keep doing what you're doing and things will work out.
I lived on my own for 2 1/2 years and moved back in with the parents shortly after I turned 30 (personal and financial issues). I thought this would be the biggest mistake of my life, but it's turned out to be the best decision I could have ever made, even if it wasn't really my decision in the beginning. The dog helped me more than being with people does, but it's nice to know that there's someone there just in case.
Letting people in is good, but like you said, you have to find a balance. I was all about friends and ignored my family. Now I'm all about family and ignoring friends. As much as I don't "miss" people, I think we really do need to find balance as human beings. It sucks feeling like I've been neglecting people, but we all go through this. It will work itself out if we keep going on the right track.
Baby steps. One day at a time. One goal at a time.
Natali,
While catching up with my 3 days worth of tweets also (yeah away for the long weekend and kept myself off the net!), I'm happy to see you back on Loaded, able to read your thoughts on this blog, and after I get home I can share your great time at SF on flickr later.
In my 30s now, I'm on the same boat as you and shared more or less the same thoughts in re: companionship. "Over-depedence on companionship: bad. Under-dependence on companionship: equally bad." sums it up well...
Do what makes you happy, is what everyone been telling me ever since my ex left me. It's always easier said than done... but I hope you will be better at it than me :-)
Like other commenter said - baby step, one at a time!!!
Best wishes~
Kelvin
Ok, so stop being over-independent and call me for a drink! We never did get to reconnect. We both just dunked our heads into work. Talk to you soon, k?
~Brian
I've been talking about this very thing with my friends who are just turning 30 (or about to turn 30, or who are turning 24 and now worried about turning 30)-and I think its the last shackles of an old world in all of us that need some shaking off. It seems to hit women especially hard-and given some of the biological and cultural pressures put on women that makes sense.
I, for one, figure you're in the better camp-it seems to me that a lot of people who were/are dependent on others end up rushing into relationships and then regret/miss a whole independent part of their life that they have to just start figuring it out at our age. That, IMHO, seems a lot harder to do then to find a bf/gf/someone to love.
If you're doing the stuff you love then people you love will come into your life...right?
Then again what do I know, I'm just a guy on the Internets.
Take care :) (Btw your party looked like fun!)
Hi Natali,
Happy belated birthday! I just wanted to let you know that I stumbled across your blog a couple months ago, and since then, I've become a huge fan. You have a way of blogging that is so captivating, no matter what the topic is, although I'm sure your career has been an indication of your talent!
As someone who also enjoys writing, you are a great role model, and I thought you'd like to know you have a new fan, because that's always nice to hear. In particular, I loved your Sex & the City post as well as the one with the quote, "If you’re getting kicked in the butt, at least it means you’re in the front," which motivated me during a particularly late night at the office.
Best,
Amanda
I'm sure natali someday,you will find some one spacial in your life. Robert
i love that line. thx for sharing it and forward my raves to kevin if you run into him...
Natali, how can you talk like this?! Prison Break is back NOW (including, your fav character, the super-hot Bellick). Then Heroes is back next week (I can tell you're a Syler fan), and Desperate Housewives shortly after that - I bet Susan annoys you, but Gabby is cool, you have to admit! Then, there's season two of Eli Stone to look foward to (ahhh, San Francisco!); and before you know it, 24 Season 7 will finally hit our screens and Chloe will be downloading co-ordinates to Jack's PDA like there's no tomorrow. Who knows, he might even have upgraded to an iPhone.
And then... when was the last time you re-read the Harry Potter books? There are so many clues and nuances that can be spotted only from repeated re-readings. What *actually* happened between Harry and Herminone when they were camping alone together without Ron? Start at Chapter 1, Book 1 *tonight*... The Boy Who Live...
And I won't even *mention* Top Chef...
My point is - with all this going on, there isn't enough time for work, let alone spending face-to-face time with friends!
But seriously... (actually, I was partly serious above!)... I'd be willing to bet all you need is to get yourself out of your appartment one or two evenings a week. For a drink. For dinner. For some culture. Preferably with people / a person you like.
BTW, on a culture note, do NOT miss Richard Griffiths and Dan Radcliffe in Equus on Broadway later this year. I saw it in London - it's genuinely an amazing production. Richard Griffiths is just spell-binding; and as a true Harry Potter fan, you should get front-row seats in the stalls if you can ;-)
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